Dear Augustine,
We chatted just the other night and it was lovely. I so love getting to talk with you, and for some reason, I always want to talk to you the most right after we've just spoken. I think because talking to you just feels so natural and good that it never feels like we've had enough time. I know someone is really special in my life when it feels like that. :)
I had fortuitously found my five year plan, and we talked about that fragile and raw faith...the sort that feels so difficult to share, and you're just so exhausted because you don't want to try and defend it or convince anyone. You just want to...I'm not sure. Sit with it? Stay there and hope that it doesn't fade away too quickly? Guard it because it feels precious? All of those things?
The other thing that struck me though about that piece is that...I'm mostly in the same place as I was then. I'm in the same job, same living situation, same lack of relationship. Same friendships, same loneliness when I feel the reality of how far away my closest friends live. The only significant difference in my life since then is...my friendship with R, I think. (Edit: actually...my new Master's program is new. That's unequivocally life-giving. I feel myself when I'm in classes and learning.)
It makes me feel stuck. I feel like I haven't been moving for five years, and it's not that I haven't learned a lot and done so much at my job. There has been so much that has happened since then, but nothing that's changed the circumstances of my life. I just feel older and weightier. That line of Bilbo's comes to mind...I am "like butter scraped over too much bread."
I know that changes (at least in my job) are on the horizon, and will be here sooner than I can imagine. Changes in social situation? Perhaps that will come with the new job? I do have a very close friend that just moved home from Algeria, and I've been spending more intentional time with my cousins, so that's helped a bit.
But I don't know where I'm going at all. For the most part I don't know what I want. I can't even really picture a dream job, because right now I'm just so freaking burnt out and in survival mode. I keep reassuring myself that 1) in March or April when I'm applying I might be in a better head space for it and 2) that I won't be trapped. Finding a new job doesn't mean it's got to be forever. If it's not the right fit, I can leave. Or just take breathing time to figure it out.
I read this book recently called Designing Your Life and it suggested writing multiple five year plans. Alternative paths that future!Athena could take, even if they don't all feel achievable, or if you want a particular path. I think it's exactly what I need to do...I just don't know if I'm ready yet. I don't know if I'm ready to try and put words to what I want. At least a couple of those things feel fragile in the same sort of way that that faith does. Things I'm afraid will never come true, and that expressing those dreams, even as a possible future, will just be too painful. That feeling has been sitting with me since we've talked...
I'm afraid to want things. That doesn't stop the wanting at all, of course, it just means that I keep submerging it and pushing it away. I hide it and I hide from it. Will writing it out help or just make things more raw?
I don't know and I'm afraid to find out. I just don't want to be stuck anymore.
+Athena
Friday, February 9, 2018
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Augustine: Work! Work!
In the end, they
wrote eighty-five essays, in the span of six months
John Jay got sick
after writing five
James Madison wrote
twenty-nine
Hamilton wrote the
other fifty-one
How do you write
like you’re
Running out of time?
Write day and night
like you’re
Running out of time?
Ev’ry day you fight
Like you’re
Running out of time
Like you’re
Running out of time
Are you
Running out of
time?
How do you write
like tomorrow won’t arrive?
How do you write
like you need it to survive?
How do you write
ev’ry second you’re alive?
Ev’ry second you’re
alive? Ev’ry second you’re alive?
Dear Athena
I was listening to
these lyric; reading them from the cover of the album. I imagined Lin Manual
Miranda praying to an ancestor, begging for advice while trying to write and
compose his own works. "How do you write every second you're alive?"
I woke up this
morning with the words in my head: "How do you write like you're running
out of time?" I don't know how to characterize or begin to write about
what the last several months have felt like: Lethargy, Meh, Stuck, Aimless,
Settling?
When Carl and
Suzanne came to visit, we went for a drive in the mountains and talked about
the election. We covered everything from the shock of that night to the rise of
a world run my multi-national corporations. We agreed on so much, even the new
thoughts we were just learning from one another. We diverged in one idea
though, what to do next? Carl explained how he had talked with Kate and Ryan,
that they were all ready to fight in whatever ways they could. I explained how
I felt like all the fight has been taken out of me. Out of desperation to
resolve a feeling that I no longer wanted to exist, I deactivated my facebook.
Not as a statement, just as need to protect myself from the flood of noise. I
have stopped watching any news, I just leave the room when the TV is on. I
might glance over a newspaper, but on the whole, I've stopped consuming
"news". I don't want to know, because knowing creates feelings of
wanting to do something about it. Anger is exhausting. So I don't want to
fight, I want to, as much as I can, be completely unaware.
At work, I've spent
a year waiting patiently for this promotion. Advocating in kind and polite ways
only to have it diminished to the least possible denominator. It went through
at the turn of the year. I found out because I emailed my boss about whether it
would be reflected on my pay stub this month, to which he informed me that is
should have already been processed. It had been. No one bothered to inform me.
"Whatever"
I thought. "It's still a decent salary and I can get a more flexible
schedule to work from home. Try to see the upside."
I felt myself giving
up. I'll collect a paycheck, take my benefits, and complete the tasks that are
required of me. Then spend the rest of my time on other things. I tried to
envision a four day weekend in the mountains every week, "doing fun stuff".
But when I had a four day weekend off recently…I didn't go the mountains.
There's many different factors for this: health, friends, family. But I don't
live for the weekend. I have spent much of my life since freshmen year of
undergrad thinking about my work.
Last night my friend
Keith wanted study at a coffee shop. Afterwards we went to an all night diner
for food and talked till 1:30 in the morning.
Keith shared with me a new way he had heard to categorize "the four
reasons people work" (Keith likes simple labels and categories that can
help him organize the world). The short
of it (1) stability and regular pay (2) money to buy stuff (2) power and
control (4) passion and self-fulfillment. They started categorizing their
friends. According to him and Amy (his wife), I am Power and Control. Labels
are a necessary thing in our world for communication, but they also reduce
complexity to ever increasing levels of stupidity. "Labels initially free
and clarify but eventually constrain and mislead" I was about to
off-handly dismiss these labels, but it didn't feel wrong. I could write a
piece critiquing this model and the science that it contradicts, but this label
helps clarify somethings for me. I do work in order to have control. But I want
power, not as a means of ego or money, but I work in order to craft a world
that deserves to exist.
Hamilton questions
Burr when he refuses to help with the Federalist papers:
"What are you
waiting for?
What do you stall
for?
We won the war
What was it all for?
Do you support this
constitution?
Of course
Then defend it
And what if you’re
backing the wrong horse?
Burr, we studied and
we fought and we killed
For the notion of a
nation we now get to build
For once in your
life, take a stand with pride
I don’t understand
how you stand to the side"
I often want to ask
my boss Matt "why you equivocate when we finally have a chance to do
something of value?"
But I have found
myself settling in to complacency.
Yet, I woke up this
morning with the words "How do you write like you're running out of
time?"
I've been rereading
Harry Potter, and since the first book I've been pondering "What would I
see in the mirror of Erised?" only to develop a pit in my stomach that I don't know. When I
first started talking about this job, I said that I wanted the authority to do
the work I cared about. I might have been using it as a "line" at
that time, but I think I was more right then I realized. In the negotiations
for this promotion in the last few months I ended up pushing first on pay and
then on flexibility. But when I got the pay increase (which was disappointing),
I realized the monthly bump in pay didn't really excite me. I have a large
degree of flexibility already (I took off a few days over winter break without
using vacation) and I haven't really done anything with it, over than try to
use it to start my own LLC on the side. I was happiest when he was giving me
authority over new bodies of work.
I was consolidating
my 2016 journal in a single folder; I saw how much I have written this year. I
may have felt unproductive, but I was struggling through thoughts and words.
One my might say "Hamilton wasn't written in a year." I've been viewing
my flexibility in the wrong way, as a vacation, but, more importantly, it is
opportunity to invest my attention in those things I want to grow and change. Volunteer with a non-profit, build the LLC with my friend, write letters to my congressmen about gun control, write letters to my friends in other states, write. When I left for grad school, I had an indomitable spirit. It may not be entirely spent. I'm going to invest in those things that matter to me.
The beauty of Hamilton is the words and rythym can be repeated as a prayer or chant:
"How do you write
like tomorrow won’t arrive?
How do you write
like you need it to survive?
How do you write
ev’ry second you’re alive?
How do you write like you're running of of time?"
My New Year's
Resolutions last year were to lose weight and move out. I'm not letting those go.
But my resolution
this year is work like Hamilton and Angelica.
"Look around, look
around at how
Lucky we are to be
alive right now"
+Augustine
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Augustine: Civility
Athena,
I write to alleviate
the conversations with myself, but, this time might be more of a confession.
Not a scandalous one. I got a ticket back in November for letting my license
plate/registration expire. I had 20 days to pay online and I didn't. I finally tried
to start paying by going to the Justice Center. They said it belonged to the
state and I missed the deadline and would need to go to court. … This is going
to be a very boring confession if I write this out in chronological events. In
the course of speaking to multiple people in person and on the phone, I started
saying shit like "I'm sorry about my cancer treatments." I was angry pissed. "All I need to
do is pay a fucking ticket!!!!"
Finally they sent me
to the court clerk office. I waited in line, listening to people asking for
forms on how to sue their wife or get a restraining order on a neighbor. When
it was my turn, the blinds of a new window opened and a middle aged woman, the definition
of plain, stood at the window. I put on my nice face, realizing this was my
last chance to avoid court and pay the ticket.
I explained.
She listened.
She said she could
take care of it and went to get the forms.
**sigh**
I'd been holding all
this tension in my body. I realized I wasn't really breathing.
I felt a relief and
also guilt. I had been rude and blaming all the other people I had talked to
and here is this woman, kindly listening.
She came back and
needed my new registration. I told her it was in the car, and she told that it
was fine, that when I got back to skip the line and talk to her.
When I got back, she
told me "Well it's good you didn't pay the ticket, because we will just
dismiss the fine since you have your new registration."
Two minutes and she
had completed the forms, helped me avoid a $68 fine, and wished me a good day.
I told her how grateful I was. How some part of my faith in humanity had been
returned. She probably listens to people complain about going to court or trying
to take action against someone else all day and yet she was incredibly kind to
me.
I walked down the
long hallway out of the justice center, past the airport-like security check
point (I had passed through 3 times during my 30 minute visit). I imagined old
Victorian women complaining about the loss of manners and how they are
fundamental to society. How right they were. Not the manners that oppress and
restrict people's ability to communicate or interact, but manners that help
provide scripts about how we treat one another respectfully even when it isn't
our default reaction. Civility, I think is the word. Our emotions don't grant
us the right to inflict our frustrations on others.
I went back to the
office and talked with my boss about my promotion. We had talked previously,
and I felt that I had set the wrong tone. I told him that I wanted to convey
that I'm on-board for getting creative about compensation and my promotion. He
told me he was willing to be flexible about my days and time and find other
ways to pay me out of the budget.
I went for a walk
after. Feeling like I could really breathe for the first time in a while.
+Augustine
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Athena: HRC
Dear Augustine,
I know that many of the posts this month have been political. That was probably inevitable. But one thing that I wanted to write about was Clinton herself, because in the past few years I've felt a particular affinity for her, which is tied into some of my own journey.
I grew up in a very Republican household, and I don't really remember hearing much about Hillary, even during Bill's presidency. Not until the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and then afterwards...there was judgment towards Hillary--specifically for not leaving Bill. My mom (who doesn't consume media as critically as I'd hope) expressed several times that the only reason for her not to do so was her own ambition...it was interpreted as self-serving and a political calculation. Which then somehow seemed confirmed when she ran for office herself and became a NY Senator. I was pretty young at this point (still elementary school and then through middle school), and so I absorbed it uncritically. In high school, conservative politics became some sort of prerequisite for being a Christian, and it took my years at Gordon to unwend the two.
I started to become more liberal. I'm from NH, so there's still a strong independent streak in my blood...(I try to listen carefully, and there are some Republican politicians whom I admire. But honestly, it's their social policies that I just can't handle anymore on any level). I made peace with that around my last few years at Gordon, and by the time 2008 rolled around, I was on the Democrats train.
Here's the thing--I was on Obama's train from the beginning. I'd examined by personal political stances, but I never really went back and re-examined my thoughts about somebody like Hillary. I thought she was way too ambitious and corrupt, and everything that Obama was saying was exactly what I thought we needed. I thought bipartisanship was important and could help us get some real shit done. I believed in closing Guantanamo, and felt that he had a very hopeful and positive vision of the future. I liked that he was experienced, and I had no real clue of the real effects of the Clinton presidency, because while I had re-evaluated my current political positions, as I mentioned, I didn't go back and check past perceptions. The Lewinsky issue was all I could really have told you about either Clinton, really. (And to be honest, I actually liked McCain a decent amount back then, he was too hawkish, but then he went and unleashed Palin on us, and I will literally never forgive him [and whoever advised him to make that choice] for that as long as I live.)
But I remember, not as clearly as I want to, one of debates or comments that Clinton made around that time...and I wish I remember the specifics, but it was more of a general thing. Obama was talking about bipartisanship and the need to reach across the aisle, and at one point, Clinton sort of dismissed that as naïve. And I thought to myself at the time, "See that is everything that is wrong with you and why we need a candidate that is willing to work with others and get stuff done. You're an insider."
Obama became president, and I am still thankful for that. I honestly don't really regret voting for him in the primary, and I love that she ended up as his Secretary of State, and that they worked together for some solid years. But I remember, shortly after Obama became president that when he tried to invite Republicans to work with him (especially then Sen. Judd Gregg in NH, whom I respected and was excited)...and it just all fell to pieces. And I don't know all of the real reasoning behind that, but I saw Republicans dig their heels in and just move to counter Obama at every turn. (I'm not going to lie, I hated at the time, and I hope that I would've been frustrated with it if somebody like Romney had become president, but with Tr*mperdink I seriously hope that he is blocked from seriously damaging policies and bigoted things while in office. And I will deal with that hypocrisy.)
But I remember watching that unfold and somehow, a thought crept in--you know, I judged Clinton for that, but she was right. She was pragmatic--she wasn't saying the popular thing, the thing that inspired and moved people. She was saying the wise thing based on her experience. And if I remember, she got flack for it. In my mind, I gave her flack for it.
Fast forward to this time around, and that was a large part of why I was in Clinton's camp from the beginning. No disrespect to Bernie supporters--a large majority of my friends supported him, and frankly, I love him and Warren in the Senate. I think that's the better place for them, honestly. (Though I had wanted a Clinton-Warren ticket for at least 4 years now. That would've probably hurt even more than anything. I digress.) I saw the populism of Bernie, and I looked at his promises, and Clinton's more tempered discussion. And I remembered her with Obama as well, and I thought that she seemed the same pragmatic person.
I had also, in the last few years, watched some of the attacks that had happened on her character. I tried to be attentive to the Benghazi scandals, and just couldn't understand exactly why they were attacking her non-stop. I'm not saying that there weren't issues with decisions there, but people acted suddenly like she had somehow wanted people to die. I think there were moments of speaking too soon about the causes and perhaps some other decisions could have been made that would've been better in hindsight. But hindsight is 20/20...we don't hear about all the times decisions have worked, we hear about the times that they failed. Then the emails, and again, there was some concerns there, but I watched it be blown out of proportion to the evidence. And I started to realize how much more harshly she got judged on every single little thing. I do buy that some of that is related to her gender, I've seen that play out in how women in power (in business or politics) are judged. I think some of it is related to her personality, and some of it due to the expectation that everybody had to have had that she would be the 2016 nominee. I mean, there was some question of it earlier this year, but the GOP had the benefit of having way more time to sow seeds of doubt and smears on Hillary in some ways...Dems couldn't have dreamed in 2012 or 2014 that Tr*mperdink would be the nominee. I don't think so anyways.
(God this is so long, I'm sorry).
There wasn't a ton of enthusiasm in many corners for Hillary. I had a few close friends who were enthusiastic, but even among my fellow Democrats, there wasn't a ton of enthusiasm. Part of me gets that, but this time I was actually enthused. Most of it was for the reasons I discussed above--her pragmatism. The way that though she certainly used persuasion just like all politicians do, I think she was wise in the way she did it. When she ran negative ads against Tr*mperdink...they focused on his own words and temperament, things he couldn't deny (and yet he tried to anyways.) She had pragmatic policies, though I wish she had expounded them a little more during the debates, and even though at times she changes positions...I can respect that. She seems to do so after thoughtful consideration. In some ways, I don't think being a political opportunist is the worst quality to have in a candidate, which sounds bad, perhaps, but it means that they're willing to listen to people or at least appear to, because they know they rely on votes. And even some of the things that she said about public vs private positions (controversial) actually made perfect sense to me. I get that, after watching this whole debacle...we don't know how to have nuanced public conversations, so maybe it helps to be a little more Slytherin at times. No candidate is perfect, and I try to think of things that I dislike and disagree on as well as agree on, try to check myself for bias, but for me, this really was no contest.
I loved the DNC speech, and teared up a few times. I was proud of her debate performance--all the times she just reacted so calmly and smoothly...I can't imagine the fortitude it took to keep one's cool. And it wasn't just a political loss I felt or absolute terror for our country's future in the last hours of Nov 8th. It was absolute heartbreak. How did messages of "Love trumps hate" and "Better together" get beat out by sentiments of building a wall, and xenophobic comments? I try to understand things, and on some level, I do, because politics and the media and the economy and everything. But on another level, it destroys me. And it destroys me to think of the utter painshe must feel as a person...as the meme keeps saying: probably the most qualified woman in the country loses to the brash, obnoxious man. That is a real thing that I've seen so many times, that I've experienced a few times personally, but that I've seen happen far more often to so many wonderful women that I know. And it hurts. And is exhausting.
I love now though that she's out walking in the woods. That she's spared some of the utter shitstorm she would've been facing that she's won (though I still hate that she lost more than anything ever.) I loved her recent public speeches, and the way she encouraged people to keep fighting. And I believe in that. So. deeply.
So what I did, the day after the election, was...I went and bought her Funko!Pop that I originally didn't intend to buy [because I normally focus on sets from shows I really really love.] And I keep her on my shelf next to the John Oliver!Pop, and I bought it specifically after watching her concession speech. Because now, more than ever, I can't give up. So I see her Pop and it's a reminder to keep fighting harder than ever.
And, one of my favorite memes from the last few weeks, based on one of the sweetest memes from The Simpsons:
I'm making plans to be more involved, to attempt to have real conversations. I'm reading reading reading, articles and books...not just about politics, but about the social sciences (I'll learn to be pragmatic and shrewd too).
I'm finding organizations that are doing the work that we so desperately need, and making a list, so that I can donate to them on a rotating basis over the next few years. I'm trying to reach out to people. And every time I see that Pop on my shelf, it's silly, but I'm thinking of that. It's functioning as a sort of plastic icon (I've got to blog about those later) for me, a reminder to not quit.
I'm doing it for the good of my country, for my beloved friends--especially those in vulnerable positions right now. But you know what, I'm doing it for her too. Because I feel as though in some ways, we didn't realize what we had (in Obama or in her). We have this expectation sometimes for politicians to be perfect, super-humans...and I don't think that's realistic. It's some way that I'm still with her and the values that she espoused in her DNC speech and in her slogans. The values that I do believe are a part of our country, even if none of us express or believe in or act on them perfectly. We aim towards them anyways.
+Athena
PS--God, I'm sorry this was so long, but I think I needed to get it out. I also have plans to write her a letter if I can find where I should address it.
PPS--Cary Elwes, aka Westley from Princess Bride used "Tr*mperdink" in a tweet, and I'm still laughing about it. I know that it's immature on some level, but I do think he's so far outside of the realm of a 'normal' candidate that it feels right to acknowledge that somehow. I'm going to have a hard time over the next few years.
I know that many of the posts this month have been political. That was probably inevitable. But one thing that I wanted to write about was Clinton herself, because in the past few years I've felt a particular affinity for her, which is tied into some of my own journey.
I grew up in a very Republican household, and I don't really remember hearing much about Hillary, even during Bill's presidency. Not until the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and then afterwards...there was judgment towards Hillary--specifically for not leaving Bill. My mom (who doesn't consume media as critically as I'd hope) expressed several times that the only reason for her not to do so was her own ambition...it was interpreted as self-serving and a political calculation. Which then somehow seemed confirmed when she ran for office herself and became a NY Senator. I was pretty young at this point (still elementary school and then through middle school), and so I absorbed it uncritically. In high school, conservative politics became some sort of prerequisite for being a Christian, and it took my years at Gordon to unwend the two.
I started to become more liberal. I'm from NH, so there's still a strong independent streak in my blood...(I try to listen carefully, and there are some Republican politicians whom I admire. But honestly, it's their social policies that I just can't handle anymore on any level). I made peace with that around my last few years at Gordon, and by the time 2008 rolled around, I was on the Democrats train.
Here's the thing--I was on Obama's train from the beginning. I'd examined by personal political stances, but I never really went back and re-examined my thoughts about somebody like Hillary. I thought she was way too ambitious and corrupt, and everything that Obama was saying was exactly what I thought we needed. I thought bipartisanship was important and could help us get some real shit done. I believed in closing Guantanamo, and felt that he had a very hopeful and positive vision of the future. I liked that he was experienced, and I had no real clue of the real effects of the Clinton presidency, because while I had re-evaluated my current political positions, as I mentioned, I didn't go back and check past perceptions. The Lewinsky issue was all I could really have told you about either Clinton, really. (And to be honest, I actually liked McCain a decent amount back then, he was too hawkish, but then he went and unleashed Palin on us, and I will literally never forgive him [and whoever advised him to make that choice] for that as long as I live.)
But I remember, not as clearly as I want to, one of debates or comments that Clinton made around that time...and I wish I remember the specifics, but it was more of a general thing. Obama was talking about bipartisanship and the need to reach across the aisle, and at one point, Clinton sort of dismissed that as naïve. And I thought to myself at the time, "See that is everything that is wrong with you and why we need a candidate that is willing to work with others and get stuff done. You're an insider."
Obama became president, and I am still thankful for that. I honestly don't really regret voting for him in the primary, and I love that she ended up as his Secretary of State, and that they worked together for some solid years. But I remember, shortly after Obama became president that when he tried to invite Republicans to work with him (especially then Sen. Judd Gregg in NH, whom I respected and was excited)...and it just all fell to pieces. And I don't know all of the real reasoning behind that, but I saw Republicans dig their heels in and just move to counter Obama at every turn. (I'm not going to lie, I hated at the time, and I hope that I would've been frustrated with it if somebody like Romney had become president, but with Tr*mperdink I seriously hope that he is blocked from seriously damaging policies and bigoted things while in office. And I will deal with that hypocrisy.)
But I remember watching that unfold and somehow, a thought crept in--you know, I judged Clinton for that, but she was right. She was pragmatic--she wasn't saying the popular thing, the thing that inspired and moved people. She was saying the wise thing based on her experience. And if I remember, she got flack for it. In my mind, I gave her flack for it.
Fast forward to this time around, and that was a large part of why I was in Clinton's camp from the beginning. No disrespect to Bernie supporters--a large majority of my friends supported him, and frankly, I love him and Warren in the Senate. I think that's the better place for them, honestly. (Though I had wanted a Clinton-Warren ticket for at least 4 years now. That would've probably hurt even more than anything. I digress.) I saw the populism of Bernie, and I looked at his promises, and Clinton's more tempered discussion. And I remembered her with Obama as well, and I thought that she seemed the same pragmatic person.
I had also, in the last few years, watched some of the attacks that had happened on her character. I tried to be attentive to the Benghazi scandals, and just couldn't understand exactly why they were attacking her non-stop. I'm not saying that there weren't issues with decisions there, but people acted suddenly like she had somehow wanted people to die. I think there were moments of speaking too soon about the causes and perhaps some other decisions could have been made that would've been better in hindsight. But hindsight is 20/20...we don't hear about all the times decisions have worked, we hear about the times that they failed. Then the emails, and again, there was some concerns there, but I watched it be blown out of proportion to the evidence. And I started to realize how much more harshly she got judged on every single little thing. I do buy that some of that is related to her gender, I've seen that play out in how women in power (in business or politics) are judged. I think some of it is related to her personality, and some of it due to the expectation that everybody had to have had that she would be the 2016 nominee. I mean, there was some question of it earlier this year, but the GOP had the benefit of having way more time to sow seeds of doubt and smears on Hillary in some ways...Dems couldn't have dreamed in 2012 or 2014 that Tr*mperdink would be the nominee. I don't think so anyways.
(God this is so long, I'm sorry).
There wasn't a ton of enthusiasm in many corners for Hillary. I had a few close friends who were enthusiastic, but even among my fellow Democrats, there wasn't a ton of enthusiasm. Part of me gets that, but this time I was actually enthused. Most of it was for the reasons I discussed above--her pragmatism. The way that though she certainly used persuasion just like all politicians do, I think she was wise in the way she did it. When she ran negative ads against Tr*mperdink...they focused on his own words and temperament, things he couldn't deny (and yet he tried to anyways.) She had pragmatic policies, though I wish she had expounded them a little more during the debates, and even though at times she changes positions...I can respect that. She seems to do so after thoughtful consideration. In some ways, I don't think being a political opportunist is the worst quality to have in a candidate, which sounds bad, perhaps, but it means that they're willing to listen to people or at least appear to, because they know they rely on votes. And even some of the things that she said about public vs private positions (controversial) actually made perfect sense to me. I get that, after watching this whole debacle...we don't know how to have nuanced public conversations, so maybe it helps to be a little more Slytherin at times. No candidate is perfect, and I try to think of things that I dislike and disagree on as well as agree on, try to check myself for bias, but for me, this really was no contest.
I loved the DNC speech, and teared up a few times. I was proud of her debate performance--all the times she just reacted so calmly and smoothly...I can't imagine the fortitude it took to keep one's cool. And it wasn't just a political loss I felt or absolute terror for our country's future in the last hours of Nov 8th. It was absolute heartbreak. How did messages of "Love trumps hate" and "Better together" get beat out by sentiments of building a wall, and xenophobic comments? I try to understand things, and on some level, I do, because politics and the media and the economy and everything. But on another level, it destroys me. And it destroys me to think of the utter painshe must feel as a person...as the meme keeps saying: probably the most qualified woman in the country loses to the brash, obnoxious man. That is a real thing that I've seen so many times, that I've experienced a few times personally, but that I've seen happen far more often to so many wonderful women that I know. And it hurts. And is exhausting.
I love now though that she's out walking in the woods. That she's spared some of the utter shitstorm she would've been facing that she's won (though I still hate that she lost more than anything ever.) I loved her recent public speeches, and the way she encouraged people to keep fighting. And I believe in that. So. deeply.
So what I did, the day after the election, was...I went and bought her Funko!Pop that I originally didn't intend to buy [because I normally focus on sets from shows I really really love.] And I keep her on my shelf next to the John Oliver!Pop, and I bought it specifically after watching her concession speech. Because now, more than ever, I can't give up. So I see her Pop and it's a reminder to keep fighting harder than ever.
 |
| (Yup, cluttery bc I'm re-organizing. Why yes I do have a kickass statue of Alan Rickman as Severus Snape) |
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| Source: https://i.redd.it/dyrs6yxep0fx.png |
I'm finding organizations that are doing the work that we so desperately need, and making a list, so that I can donate to them on a rotating basis over the next few years. I'm trying to reach out to people. And every time I see that Pop on my shelf, it's silly, but I'm thinking of that. It's functioning as a sort of plastic icon (I've got to blog about those later) for me, a reminder to not quit.
I'm doing it for the good of my country, for my beloved friends--especially those in vulnerable positions right now. But you know what, I'm doing it for her too. Because I feel as though in some ways, we didn't realize what we had (in Obama or in her). We have this expectation sometimes for politicians to be perfect, super-humans...and I don't think that's realistic. It's some way that I'm still with her and the values that she espoused in her DNC speech and in her slogans. The values that I do believe are a part of our country, even if none of us express or believe in or act on them perfectly. We aim towards them anyways.
+Athena
PS--God, I'm sorry this was so long, but I think I needed to get it out. I also have plans to write her a letter if I can find where I should address it.
PPS--Cary Elwes, aka Westley from Princess Bride used "Tr*mperdink" in a tweet, and I'm still laughing about it. I know that it's immature on some level, but I do think he's so far outside of the realm of a 'normal' candidate that it feels right to acknowledge that somehow. I'm going to have a hard time over the next few years.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Athena: Nudge
Augustine,
I just started a book tonight called Nudge (in the field of neuroeconomics, which is pretty cool sometimes). It's synthesizing a lot of the information and studies in books I've read in recent years in the social sciences that discuss the ways in which humans are not really as rational as we think we are, and don't really make the best choices. This book goes further in discussing "nudges" that can influence people--with discussion of practical applications in how those nudges could be used for good. It is a little bit like manipulation on some level, which feels uncomfortable, but in the end...I do feel like like the reality is that advertisers, corporations, and certain brands of politicians/analysts have figured this stuff out...so it's not really as though you could prevent these techniques from existing. At best, you could try and teach people to be cognizant of them and try to fight them with rational thinking...which is still a good thing to do...but again, people are not as rational as we'd like to think. So learning some of the "choice architecture" principles that this book talks about seems helpful.
I think would I love about this whole field is the way that it is incredibly interdisciplinary--it meshes together my more analytical and humanistic sides--and I feel like there's room to work that in even further. This particular book is more on the science-y side, but I'm also excited to continue thinking through the implications of it and read more and more.
I want to be humble still, as I do think that human beings are far more complex than we can ever truly and deeply understand...but it's still interesting to think about how these things apply...and maybe, maybe how they could work to incentivize positive behaviors.
I haven't finished the book yet, so I may not agree with all of the conclusions, and I still have to think things through more, but it's been an exciting read thus far.
+Athena
I just started a book tonight called Nudge (in the field of neuroeconomics, which is pretty cool sometimes). It's synthesizing a lot of the information and studies in books I've read in recent years in the social sciences that discuss the ways in which humans are not really as rational as we think we are, and don't really make the best choices. This book goes further in discussing "nudges" that can influence people--with discussion of practical applications in how those nudges could be used for good. It is a little bit like manipulation on some level, which feels uncomfortable, but in the end...I do feel like like the reality is that advertisers, corporations, and certain brands of politicians/analysts have figured this stuff out...so it's not really as though you could prevent these techniques from existing. At best, you could try and teach people to be cognizant of them and try to fight them with rational thinking...which is still a good thing to do...but again, people are not as rational as we'd like to think. So learning some of the "choice architecture" principles that this book talks about seems helpful.
I think would I love about this whole field is the way that it is incredibly interdisciplinary--it meshes together my more analytical and humanistic sides--and I feel like there's room to work that in even further. This particular book is more on the science-y side, but I'm also excited to continue thinking through the implications of it and read more and more.
I want to be humble still, as I do think that human beings are far more complex than we can ever truly and deeply understand...but it's still interesting to think about how these things apply...and maybe, maybe how they could work to incentivize positive behaviors.
I haven't finished the book yet, so I may not agree with all of the conclusions, and I still have to think things through more, but it's been an exciting read thus far.
+Athena
Athena: Words
Augustine,
I had been thinking about writing this idea yesterday, and then I just ran across a quote that feels like it goes along with it...
“There exists, for everyone, a sentence - a series of words - that has the power to destroy you. Another sentence exists, another series of words, that could heal you. If you're lucky you will get the second, but you can be certain of getting the first.” ~Philip K. Dick
I don't know about just one sentence, but I realized a couple years ago that there is one main thing that completely crushes my spirit in a way that nothing else does. I can get into arguments and disagreements with people about a number of different things, I can find certain work situations frustrating, but none of those things wound me.
For me, it happens when my passion and excitement about something I'm learning completely is dismissed and shut down as boring or stupid. I love my sister, but she's probably the person who does this the most--we're very opposite in personality and she genuinely just doesn't care one bit about learning...and she's very blunt and will honestly just tell me to my face, "I stopped paying attention five minutes ago." I could deal with it with a sibling, because it's how she is and that's never going to change...I push back sometimes, but there's just no real use. But it's something that I couldn't bear in a friendship or relationship.
And truthfully, I don't need to. My closest friends in the world are genuinely geeks about so many things. Even if they may not be interested in all of the same topics, they love to have deep conversations. But somehow, most people in my family--whom I love--are more like my sister than like me (with the exception of my Dad and a couple aunts/uncles whom I don't see as regularly as the rest.)
I know it sounds like a small thing, and it's not necessarily every moment--there are always reasonable times when people just don't want to hear about a particular thing, and that's fine. It's the moments when you're sharing about something that really matters to you, that you're excited about, and having that just shoved aside that I mean. Which I do feel is a bit related to that "raw" feeling I wrote about yesterday. Perhaps because being a "learner" is such an important part of my being, that it feels not just like a rejection of conversation, but a rejection of me on some fundamental level. Even if that's not the intent, it sort of makes me want to suck myself back in a bit, and limits the type of emotional relationship I can have with that person.
And why my deepest friendships (and I include you in this) are always with people who are energized by learning and talking about things that really matter to them. The moments when I feel happiest and the most fulfilled are not when I'm doing some activity like bowling or kayaking or seeing some extravagant thing (even though I do appreciate nature and fun times)...they're in the conversations that happen along the way. I sometimes find far more meaning and joy in the conversations on a car ride than in the actual experience at a movie or a concert, etc.
It makes me wonder too what these things would be for other people--and how often I might step on those things unintentionally.
+Athena
I had been thinking about writing this idea yesterday, and then I just ran across a quote that feels like it goes along with it...
“There exists, for everyone, a sentence - a series of words - that has the power to destroy you. Another sentence exists, another series of words, that could heal you. If you're lucky you will get the second, but you can be certain of getting the first.” ~Philip K. Dick
I don't know about just one sentence, but I realized a couple years ago that there is one main thing that completely crushes my spirit in a way that nothing else does. I can get into arguments and disagreements with people about a number of different things, I can find certain work situations frustrating, but none of those things wound me.
For me, it happens when my passion and excitement about something I'm learning completely is dismissed and shut down as boring or stupid. I love my sister, but she's probably the person who does this the most--we're very opposite in personality and she genuinely just doesn't care one bit about learning...and she's very blunt and will honestly just tell me to my face, "I stopped paying attention five minutes ago." I could deal with it with a sibling, because it's how she is and that's never going to change...I push back sometimes, but there's just no real use. But it's something that I couldn't bear in a friendship or relationship.
And truthfully, I don't need to. My closest friends in the world are genuinely geeks about so many things. Even if they may not be interested in all of the same topics, they love to have deep conversations. But somehow, most people in my family--whom I love--are more like my sister than like me (with the exception of my Dad and a couple aunts/uncles whom I don't see as regularly as the rest.)
I know it sounds like a small thing, and it's not necessarily every moment--there are always reasonable times when people just don't want to hear about a particular thing, and that's fine. It's the moments when you're sharing about something that really matters to you, that you're excited about, and having that just shoved aside that I mean. Which I do feel is a bit related to that "raw" feeling I wrote about yesterday. Perhaps because being a "learner" is such an important part of my being, that it feels not just like a rejection of conversation, but a rejection of me on some fundamental level. Even if that's not the intent, it sort of makes me want to suck myself back in a bit, and limits the type of emotional relationship I can have with that person.
And why my deepest friendships (and I include you in this) are always with people who are energized by learning and talking about things that really matter to them. The moments when I feel happiest and the most fulfilled are not when I'm doing some activity like bowling or kayaking or seeing some extravagant thing (even though I do appreciate nature and fun times)...they're in the conversations that happen along the way. I sometimes find far more meaning and joy in the conversations on a car ride than in the actual experience at a movie or a concert, etc.
It makes me wonder too what these things would be for other people--and how often I might step on those things unintentionally.
+Athena
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Athena: On Dialogue and Self-Preservation
Augustine,
As mentioned in my previous post, I was a bit heartbroken when discussing the Eucharist vs. sermons as the central focus of a liturgy/service...it wasn't just a difficult thing to process intellectually. It was emotionally painful as well--because this wasn't a mere intellectual discussion for me, it was tied to very real things that I was trying to work out regarding my own faith, something that was such a key part of my identity. And that I always tried to approach both rationally and emotionally.
As I continued to learn about Orthodoxy, I started to tear down what I had called my "stumbling blocks" to the Orthodox faith. Things that I wasn't just ignorant or unaware of--like the focus of liturgy or the importance of the Resurrection...things that just weren't adequately addressed in the Protestantism I encountered growing up (though I know that's not true of every Prot. church)--but things that I had actively been taught were essentially heresy: the importance of the saints and especially Mary (the Theotokos) to name two.
I come from a very Protestant family, but it's not just that...my family members aren't just Evangelical Protestants [of varying stripes]...they are ex-Catholic Protestants, who all converted around the same time. And in some ways, there's nothing like the criticism you have for a tradition that you left, that you deliberately chose to leave.
I was terrified when my "stumbling blocks" seemed to crumble, and I started to realize that I was already becoming Orthodox in my mind, if not quite yet in practice. It wasn't just a shaking of things that I'd believed my whole life--it was the prospect of having to tell my theology professors and mentors at Gordon, my school (I thought there was a decent chance that I could lose my job...thankfully, I didn't), and my family, especially several of my uncles whom I had had long theological discussions with.
At some point, it wasn't enough to just be Orthodox in my mind, I started attending liturgy, and by the time I had reached that point, I had already been 'sold' on Orthodoxy (I approach things through my mind first). Then I had to tell everyone...I worried that some subsets people would think I wasn't a real Christian anymore, or just completely disdain aspects of my faith and try to convince me out of it.
Thankfully, those conversations on the whole went a lot more smoothly than I might have hoped--often because people knew at least that I didn't do anything half-heartedly. It was something I had been researching for a long time and had "defenses" ready for. But few of the conversations even got to that point--sometimes, one or another person would bring up something, but typically it just became this sort of resigned, "Okay, I guess, you seem to have at least thought this through, even though I really disagree with you. Let's just talk about what we do have in common," sort of thing.
What was really curious though--and still is when it rears its head from time-to-time--is that I realized that there are some things that feel so vulnerable, that I don't want to defend them. Orthodox teaching about Mary (the Theotokos) is one of those things.
I don't feel the same connection to the Theotokos that many Orthodox, especially women and mothers do, because there's still that Protestant piece of me that just...feels unnatural about it sometimes. (There's another story here too about how some of that has changed). But while there are some moments that feel unnatural, I still do like many of the Orthodox beliefs about the Theotokos, and there is some sort of special kinship and protectiveness there. It's because it somehow feels so pure, so beautiful, so right, that I can't bear the thought of exposing it. I can't bear the thought of it being laughed at, shrugged aside indifferently, or worse...attacked.
It does tend to come up in discussion in certain circles, and I find this almost physical reluctance to talk about it. It's not something I want to have to defend with words, because it feels so deeply a part of me and so absolutely vulnerable, that I don't want to expose it in that way. I don't want to have to defend and explain my thinking on it with people I know differ, instead I just want to tuck it away and deflect things, swiftly turning the conversation to something that feels a little less precious. A little less costly--even with my closest relatives. There's something about it that feels...raw at times. Like an exposed nerve which can't take even the slightest of pressure...not because it's weak, but because it's so deeply rooted and connected somehow that it's beyond words or arguing. It just needs to preserved and protected.
I think of so many of my friends who experience this same rawness about different aspects of their own identity. It makes me want to protect them too. I don't want to debate theology that's raw and vulnerable with other people, not when I know the deepness of that for real people whom I know and love. Instead I want to go into a protective mode and just divert things away so that the rawness is protected from harm, so that things have a chance to blossom and develop in their own time.
I live in a world where it's fairly easy to protect myself--theological discussions about Mary happen in certain circles, but not many. I look at my friend who converted to Islam, and think about how every single conversation with her whole family (immediate and extended) has that level of rawness. That's part of where I love my friendship with her--even though we have such different beliefs, we allow each other to share the beauty of what we see, and we try and see that beauty in the other person's beliefs. Even though we don't believe the same way--we recognize the rawness that we're dealing with and we protect each other with that as much as possible.
Does everybody have something that they feel this way about? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm just not aware of things. I feel like everybody that I know has some type of "raw" experience in their past...but it's different when it's not just an experience that shaped you, but some core piece of your identity. And even more painful when those differences are tied to oppression and prejudice--when the danger is not just one of vulnerability but of actual safety.
I don't know, but I've been thinking a lot about it recently in regards to the difficulty of dialogue. There are moments when I think it is worth pushing myself a little and having those scary conversations that feel vulnerable, but there are many other moments where I feel it's better to shield raw places. And when it comes to others--I always want to shield and protect them...and I know I can't. I can't even promise that I will always say or interpret things properly so that I don't wound them in raw places (though I would never want to and try to be sensitive to it...I know I've failed, awfully sometimes).
I don't have any answers, just more and more questions and reflections.
+Athena
As mentioned in my previous post, I was a bit heartbroken when discussing the Eucharist vs. sermons as the central focus of a liturgy/service...it wasn't just a difficult thing to process intellectually. It was emotionally painful as well--because this wasn't a mere intellectual discussion for me, it was tied to very real things that I was trying to work out regarding my own faith, something that was such a key part of my identity. And that I always tried to approach both rationally and emotionally.
As I continued to learn about Orthodoxy, I started to tear down what I had called my "stumbling blocks" to the Orthodox faith. Things that I wasn't just ignorant or unaware of--like the focus of liturgy or the importance of the Resurrection...things that just weren't adequately addressed in the Protestantism I encountered growing up (though I know that's not true of every Prot. church)--but things that I had actively been taught were essentially heresy: the importance of the saints and especially Mary (the Theotokos) to name two.
I come from a very Protestant family, but it's not just that...my family members aren't just Evangelical Protestants [of varying stripes]...they are ex-Catholic Protestants, who all converted around the same time. And in some ways, there's nothing like the criticism you have for a tradition that you left, that you deliberately chose to leave.
I was terrified when my "stumbling blocks" seemed to crumble, and I started to realize that I was already becoming Orthodox in my mind, if not quite yet in practice. It wasn't just a shaking of things that I'd believed my whole life--it was the prospect of having to tell my theology professors and mentors at Gordon, my school (I thought there was a decent chance that I could lose my job...thankfully, I didn't), and my family, especially several of my uncles whom I had had long theological discussions with.
At some point, it wasn't enough to just be Orthodox in my mind, I started attending liturgy, and by the time I had reached that point, I had already been 'sold' on Orthodoxy (I approach things through my mind first). Then I had to tell everyone...I worried that some subsets people would think I wasn't a real Christian anymore, or just completely disdain aspects of my faith and try to convince me out of it.
Thankfully, those conversations on the whole went a lot more smoothly than I might have hoped--often because people knew at least that I didn't do anything half-heartedly. It was something I had been researching for a long time and had "defenses" ready for. But few of the conversations even got to that point--sometimes, one or another person would bring up something, but typically it just became this sort of resigned, "Okay, I guess, you seem to have at least thought this through, even though I really disagree with you. Let's just talk about what we do have in common," sort of thing.
What was really curious though--and still is when it rears its head from time-to-time--is that I realized that there are some things that feel so vulnerable, that I don't want to defend them. Orthodox teaching about Mary (the Theotokos) is one of those things.
I don't feel the same connection to the Theotokos that many Orthodox, especially women and mothers do, because there's still that Protestant piece of me that just...feels unnatural about it sometimes. (There's another story here too about how some of that has changed). But while there are some moments that feel unnatural, I still do like many of the Orthodox beliefs about the Theotokos, and there is some sort of special kinship and protectiveness there. It's because it somehow feels so pure, so beautiful, so right, that I can't bear the thought of exposing it. I can't bear the thought of it being laughed at, shrugged aside indifferently, or worse...attacked.
It does tend to come up in discussion in certain circles, and I find this almost physical reluctance to talk about it. It's not something I want to have to defend with words, because it feels so deeply a part of me and so absolutely vulnerable, that I don't want to expose it in that way. I don't want to have to defend and explain my thinking on it with people I know differ, instead I just want to tuck it away and deflect things, swiftly turning the conversation to something that feels a little less precious. A little less costly--even with my closest relatives. There's something about it that feels...raw at times. Like an exposed nerve which can't take even the slightest of pressure...not because it's weak, but because it's so deeply rooted and connected somehow that it's beyond words or arguing. It just needs to preserved and protected.
I think of so many of my friends who experience this same rawness about different aspects of their own identity. It makes me want to protect them too. I don't want to debate theology that's raw and vulnerable with other people, not when I know the deepness of that for real people whom I know and love. Instead I want to go into a protective mode and just divert things away so that the rawness is protected from harm, so that things have a chance to blossom and develop in their own time.
I live in a world where it's fairly easy to protect myself--theological discussions about Mary happen in certain circles, but not many. I look at my friend who converted to Islam, and think about how every single conversation with her whole family (immediate and extended) has that level of rawness. That's part of where I love my friendship with her--even though we have such different beliefs, we allow each other to share the beauty of what we see, and we try and see that beauty in the other person's beliefs. Even though we don't believe the same way--we recognize the rawness that we're dealing with and we protect each other with that as much as possible.
Does everybody have something that they feel this way about? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm just not aware of things. I feel like everybody that I know has some type of "raw" experience in their past...but it's different when it's not just an experience that shaped you, but some core piece of your identity. And even more painful when those differences are tied to oppression and prejudice--when the danger is not just one of vulnerability but of actual safety.
I don't know, but I've been thinking a lot about it recently in regards to the difficulty of dialogue. There are moments when I think it is worth pushing myself a little and having those scary conversations that feel vulnerable, but there are many other moments where I feel it's better to shield raw places. And when it comes to others--I always want to shield and protect them...and I know I can't. I can't even promise that I will always say or interpret things properly so that I don't wound them in raw places (though I would never want to and try to be sensitive to it...I know I've failed, awfully sometimes).
I don't have any answers, just more and more questions and reflections.
+Athena
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