Dear Athena,
I
have a childhood friend visiting with his wife and kids from out of town. They
asked if I would meet them at the recreational center pool to meet his kids. It
felt strange going back into this building I haven't been into for so many
years. I'm living in my parent's house again now and it reminded me of how I
would go there daily to work out after work. They don't have me in their system
anymore but they gave me a day pass.
I
had spent all morning in bed. Trying to get out of it, knowing I should send some
cover letters and resumes, but feeling too anxious to do much of anything. I
had a conversation with another friend on the phone and I tried to feel
alright, and it was okay. I at least got out of bed and took another shower,
worked out for 30 minutes before ending up back in bed as my mom listened to
some talking heads say nothing on tv.
Seeing
him again and spending time with his kids, I thought would make me feel
anxious, but I just felt loved. I felt all the fear and terror of living fall
away. I came home and my dad was making hamburgers and I didn't feel the
impending sense of dread that has become a daily experience. I had applied for a job near this friend and
I thought about what it would have been like to move close to him. To be feel
near close friends again. I feel like I felt over last summer during the
pandemic, all the stress fell away and I felt "untraumatized." I was
about to slip into another binge watching of youtube videos and I told myself
that I wanted to write this out. That I needed you to know that I felt joy
sometimes as well. I need me to look back and know that I felt joy and believe
that I can feel it again. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to be
happy, I guess what I mean is I've waited my whole life to feel secure. I could
own where I lived, I could make money enough to feel safe. That dream feels
like it has been slipping away ever since this job became intolerable, but at
least what I know to be true, what I remember to be true, is that I was never
going to breathe again while I was there. I want to cultivate a life where I
feel peace. I realize that it comes from inside mostly, but I also know that I
have to find somewhere that doesn't feel like it is impossible.
We've
gone through so much in the last few months that has felt like a referendum on
who we are and our value. I feel like I've lost sight of the idea that I could
be whole again. That it still existed as a possibility. I'm trying to practice
more gratitude. I saw a video of a 50-something gay man who laughed at all the
gay men afraid of turning 30.; all of his friends were dying before 30 during
the AIDS epidemic. What is true as of now, won't always be true into the
future. I have not lost my capacity to keep searching. The future will hold new
trials, but in time I will look back on these ones and they won't hurt so
deeply. But the love I felt during these times will still persevere.
With
all the love and peace,
Augustine
No comments:
Post a Comment