Athena: 70 Pound Packs

My dearest Augustine,

For some reason, a memory came to mind tonight that I haven't thought about in years--and I don't know that I've ever really paused to reflect on it. I was reading some articles on LinkedIn about setting boundaries, delegating, etc, when all of a sudden I flashed back to La Vida.

My group was pretty small--six of us plus our two sherpas. There were a total of three guys in our group, the rest of us were women. And before we made our packs the very first time, our head sherpa made a point of emphasizing that we should "make sure to take our fair share" when packing.

Of course, me being me, was so worried about making sure that I was taking my fair share that I did. And more. I don't remember why the number stuck in my head, it may be totally inaccurate, but later that same sherpa was like, "Goodness, why do you have a 70 pound pack?"

Within maybe an hour of hiking on the first day, I had an asthma attack and needed to take my inhaler because I had taken way too much weight in my pack. The sherpa realized this after having said asthma attack and then we re-distributed again. I can't remember if he asked why I had taken so much, but of course it was because I was worried.

Worried about being a failure. Worried about not pulling my own weight. Worried about inconveniencing the people I cared about, though I only barely knew them at that moment in time. Worried that I wasn't doing enough.

I feel like somewhere there are "normal" people who hear the sherpa's words and go, "Okay, will do!" and somehow can figure out what is appropriate. And maybe they take a little more than their fair share, but they don't try and take 20 pounds more. They understand their limitations and they take that into account.

I have never been that person. I don't know how to be that person.

Instead, I am the person who will way overload myself because I so deeply fear not being enough. Or causing work for somebody else. At times it can be paralyzing or I can get myself into really unhealthy situations. Honestly, that was a large part of what happened at work--with the added complication that the workload was unrealistic in general. But I took on the stress of it more than I probably needed to, because...maybe if I could do that and stress and figure it all out, I could help. I could figure out some miracle ot make sense of it later on down the road.

I didn't. I couldn't. Instead, I left. And some days it feels like the most utterly selfish thing I've ever done, but I also know that it was absolutely necessary.

I don't know that I can not be a person with a 70 pound pack. I don't know that I'll ever be able to hear some scolding or guidance and not think it's somehow directed at me and panic that I'm not doing enough and double-down.

But there won't always be another person to recognize my overloadedness who can help me stop, take a breath, and then re-distribute the load for me though I insist I'll make it. I need to start learning to advocate for myself. And I need to know that I'll have a listening ear on the other end.

+Athena