Athena: Starting All Over

Dear Augustine,

I send you a picture of this quote, from The Book of Salt, earlier today. OOF.

I do not want to start all over again.
Scanning the help-wanteds.
Knocking on doors.
Walking away alone.
And, yes, I am afraid.

The context in the book is that a young man, from Vietnam, but living in France, is writing home to his brother. The words slip out of him, almost too raw and honest for the letter (and they're actually repeated twice.)

I almost cried.

For me, this hits home on so many levels. This is how I feel about finding a new job (search for that has been meh thus far, it's too early for when I'm actually available), but this is also how I feel about relationships. And online dating (which was brought up the other day when Facebook announced they were getting into it).

It's frustrating to feel like you have to start from scratch. It's terrifying to feel overwhelmed, like you have all these options in front of you, and you have to figure out a way to compare and sift through them all. And that's when you can find the options. In so many ways (jobs and dating) it just feels like I can never find something that's the right fit. Something doesn't work on somebody's end, and then it's the opposite the next time, and then it's just. It's so hard to get timing right, to make it all happen the way it feels like it's supposed to.

I was telling a friend earlier that I feel like Chandler Bing a bit. When they get close to getting married, she wants to know if he'll miss having the "firsts" of dating. He responds:

SO FRICKING RELATABLE. (x)



Maybe most people enjoy that newness part. I don't get sweaty, but it is all anxiety, feeling sick to my stomach (not butterflies. sick.), and just constant over-thinking and pressure I put on myself. I just. I wish that I could somehow jump past all of that and just be trying to figure things out 2 years in. I'd sacrifice the "new" parts to get to the comfortable and companionate aspects. But that's never how it works. And I can't skip the interview process and just fast forward to being a couple months in.

I have to go through all that work. And it is scary on so many levels. In my head, I keep telling myself that (at least with work), in a few months at the most, I will already be in my new situation, learning the ropes and figuring out how to adjust. This applying process will be a blip that I will get through. But I wish I could skip through it altogether, and I can't. With dating, I can, and I sort of have been. But then that just means never getting anywhere. I'm not sure if that's worth it.




+Athena