Athena,
I write to alleviate
the conversations with myself, but, this time might be more of a confession.
Not a scandalous one. I got a ticket back in November for letting my license
plate/registration expire. I had 20 days to pay online and I didn't. I finally tried
to start paying by going to the Justice Center. They said it belonged to the
state and I missed the deadline and would need to go to court. … This is going
to be a very boring confession if I write this out in chronological events. In
the course of speaking to multiple people in person and on the phone, I started
saying shit like "I'm sorry about my cancer treatments." I was angry pissed. "All I need to
do is pay a fucking ticket!!!!"
Finally they sent me
to the court clerk office. I waited in line, listening to people asking for
forms on how to sue their wife or get a restraining order on a neighbor. When
it was my turn, the blinds of a new window opened and a middle aged woman, the definition
of plain, stood at the window. I put on my nice face, realizing this was my
last chance to avoid court and pay the ticket.
I explained.
She listened.
She said she could
take care of it and went to get the forms.
**sigh**
I'd been holding all
this tension in my body. I realized I wasn't really breathing.
I felt a relief and
also guilt. I had been rude and blaming all the other people I had talked to
and here is this woman, kindly listening.
She came back and
needed my new registration. I told her it was in the car, and she told that it
was fine, that when I got back to skip the line and talk to her.
When I got back, she
told me "Well it's good you didn't pay the ticket, because we will just
dismiss the fine since you have your new registration."
Two minutes and she
had completed the forms, helped me avoid a $68 fine, and wished me a good day.
I told her how grateful I was. How some part of my faith in humanity had been
returned. She probably listens to people complain about going to court or trying
to take action against someone else all day and yet she was incredibly kind to
me.
I walked down the
long hallway out of the justice center, past the airport-like security check
point (I had passed through 3 times during my 30 minute visit). I imagined old
Victorian women complaining about the loss of manners and how they are
fundamental to society. How right they were. Not the manners that oppress and
restrict people's ability to communicate or interact, but manners that help
provide scripts about how we treat one another respectfully even when it isn't
our default reaction. Civility, I think is the word. Our emotions don't grant
us the right to inflict our frustrations on others.
I went back to the
office and talked with my boss about my promotion. We had talked previously,
and I felt that I had set the wrong tone. I told him that I wanted to convey
that I'm on-board for getting creative about compensation and my promotion. He
told me he was willing to be flexible about my days and time and find other
ways to pay me out of the budget.
I went for a walk
after. Feeling like I could really breathe for the first time in a while.
+Augustine
